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This is NOT an emergency service. For Western Australian mental health emergencies please contact the Mental Health Emergency Response Line on 1300 555 788
attend the nearest Emergency Department of a hospital.
Alternatively contact Lifeline on
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Other support services:
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 - for 24/7 telephone counselling for young people 5-25 years
Suicide Callback Service: 1300 659 467 - for 24/7 telephone crisis support for people at-risk of suicide, carers and bereaved
MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78 - for 24/7 telephone and online support, information and referral services for men
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 - for 24/7 telephone support and online chat 4pm - 10pm (AEST)
Meth Helpline : 1800 874 878 - The Meth Helpline is a free confidential telephone counselling, information and referral service for anyone concerned about their own or another person's meth use.
1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732 - 24 hour 7 days a week, confidential telephone and online support - 1800RESPECT is not only a support service for people affected by sexual assault, domestic and family violence. It is also an information and support service for family, friends, and frontline workers.
Acknowledgement of sources of graphics used on this web site:
Permission given on 27 Nov 2016 by Danny Silk for #KYLO (Keep Your Love On) and lovingonpurpose.com;
Permission given on 27 Nov 2016 by Kris Vallotton for #KVM (Kris Vallotton Ministries).
EverWeb public domain images
Brett Jones Online Free Stock Photos: http://brentjonesonline.com/blog/blogging/where-to-find-free-stock-photos/
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Repairing a Relationship Wound
Adapted from work by Danny Silk, author of Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
So, you have made a relational mess and just saying ‘sorry’ is not going to cut-it. You have hurt someone or miscommunicated or just came off ignorant in a particular situation. You want to fix it but you don’t know how … until now.
Start by getting permission to say something. If they are not ready to hear you, it will take a bit longer. Love involves patience. Assuming you have already heard them agree to talking, here’s the process:
1. “This is what I did …”
Start by owning and communicating what you did (including the attitude in which it was done), and how much and how long you think it affected the other person. Address all that were affected (including children.)
2. “I think this is how it made you feel …”
Next communicate your understanding of how you think the other person felt following your actions/behaviour/decision/inaction. Detail the kinds of hurt you think you caused. Use as many of their feeling words as possible, not your interpretation of their words. For you to do this well, you must have first listened to their heart (feelings). If not, go back to the start and ask them.
3. “This is how I feel about the way you feel …”
Now be vulnerable about how you feel towards them, knowing that you caused this pain. “I feel grieved, sad, miserable, disappointed, horror … that you feel …”
4. “I’m sorry ...”
Now you can genuinely apologize. You have owned the problem (your part), communicated what caused the problem, communicated your understanding of how this has affected them and how you feel about that. Look them in the eye and say you are sorry.
5. “This is what I will aim to do instead…”
Saying sorry is not enough. What will you do to try to ensure this doesn’t happen again? What is your plan to manage your actions and attitude better? It includes the attempts at restitution will you will attempt to make. NB.Just say what you are ‘aiming’ to try so your next lapse does not just add to their distrust. (“But you promised ...”)
6. “Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?”
James E. Sheridan suggests to try asking “Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?” or “I don’t feel right just saying ‘I’m sorry.‘ What can I do to make it right?”
Hurting your spouse, whether intentionally or accidentally, hurts your marriage. A sincere apology helps, but sometimes it takes an act of love to begin the healing process; adding an act of love, spoken in your spouse's love language can make the apology much more real. In the end you and your spouse or child will be better off and your relationship will probably be stronger.
What NOT to do in an apology
Written by Owen Robinson
1. When trying to repair a relationship with an apology do NOT say “If I hurt you I am sorry” or “Maybe I did the wrong thing”
IF?!!!!???? MAYBE ?!!!!????
“If” and “Maybe” are dodges from taking real responsibility to name what I actually did or neglected to do. “If” or “Maybe” are easy ways to avoid the costly risk of thinking through and then saying what I think I did to hurt you. Another apology is needed when the word “if” or the word “Maybe” is used in this way when attempting to make something right with a person.
2. Don't say “I only did it because you ...”
This is called a 'blame-shift.' I wonder how the person will feel if I blame them for the thing I need to apologise about to them. This kind of blame shift is seriously harmful in a relationship. It is an abandonment of the truth and gives the other person a message that I am taking no responsibility for my actions, that there is little or no chance I intend to change my behaviour. After all I just made them responsible for my reaction and behaviour (this is not another person's responsibility since I drive my own reactions and behaviour). It is less likely the person will want to be close to me. I need to apologise when I do a blame-shift.
3. Don't say “But the reason I did it is ...”
I need to be careful I do no try to justify my actions/behaviour/decision/inaction. If I do the other person will almost certainly decide I am not prepared to learn from my error and change because I am defending my actions. This does not build hope for the future in the other person. I need to apologise if I justified my actions instead of saying how wrong they are and how much I need to change.
4. Don't say ”It really was not that big a deal ...”
The message this gives is that I have the right to decide the size of the hurt in the other person, that I am entitled to minimise and judge the importance of the problem on behalf of the other person. If I do this the other person will likely decide that in my view their feelings are of little value and can be discounted or dismissed by me any time I like. I need to acknowledge how big a deal it was for the other person if they are to feel safe with me and that I intend to change what I did to hurt them, and I need to apologise if I minimised the importance of my error or the impact on the other person.
5. Don't say “It didn't happen” when it did or “I didn't say that” when that is not true.
Denial of responsibility leaves the other person with little or no ground to trust us to take responsibility for our actions or to speak the truth in the future. The closeness of a relationship dies a little each time we refuse to acknowledge the truth since the other person has new evidence they cannot trust us. I need to apologise if I denied reality or altered the truth of my actions instead of saying how wrong they are and how much they caused injury.
6. Ask for by don't demand forgiveness. It is up to the other person to decide if they are ready to trust or forgive. NB Forgiveness is not the same as trust.
Remember that doing bad things is not the same as being a bad person. They are however things we did that need to be corrected. If I did the bad thing I need to be the one to repair the relationship with an apology that takes full responsibility for the action and its impact, and maybe even make a symbolic act of restitution.
You're Gonna Be Ok (Lyric Video) // After All These Years // Brian and Jenn Johnson
More repair tips:
Written by Rachel Macy Stafford
Relationship repair tip of the day:
soften your tone
soften your words
soften your touch
soften your timetable
A little softening goes a long way to bring peace to any situation.